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Kolizeon At High Speeds

May. 31st, 2014 12:55 am communication frustration

I'm autistic. I'm not broken.

I get frustrated because I have everything I want to say, but I can't form the words in my mouth.

I get frustrated because you are making noise, but I can't understand you. I wish you would be quiet, but I separate myself in that silence so it is not a solution.

I want to tell you what I feel. But the feelings don't link to words, and when I can find the right words I still cannot speak them.

I'm not quiet, I'm sorting out my tongue.

You have to give me time. My long pauses aren't inattention or shyness, I just need longer to figure out the shape of language.

I'm not broken; you aren't listening.

I'm sorry.

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May. 28th, 2014 09:54 pm tomorrow

I'll see you tomorrow
Yeah I'll see you tomorrow

(Also, I hit a squirrel today. It was quite sad.)

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Mar. 21st, 2014 02:05 am death and taxes

So, my adoptive father is dead.

I knew this was coming. We all knew. Everyone knew. Inoperable brain cancer. He lived longer than expected.

He was really brave. Humorous. When the pain was too much he would make a little gasp, then say, sorry, I make random noises.

I feel weird being emotional. We were never close, or anything. But one feel really strange without him. I dunno. I don't even know why I'm posting. It's not grief or loss. Just absence. We weren't meant to fit, but we kind of did, or at least he didn't hate me, and now he's gone.

I'm alone again, fatherless, even though I always was. I guess I just had a stupid fantasy that I wasn't.

Uhh happy Easter. This got way more depressing than I intended. Sorry! I'm fine!!

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Dec. 30th, 2012 03:47 am Resentment

I really resent it when people try to control me. His parents think they own my soul just because I married him. Haha FUCK YOU

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Dec. 28th, 2012 06:26 pm Drama

I freely admit that I am an idiot. Any holes I can crawl into to die?

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Dec. 14th, 2012 03:32 pm It's over

I've destroyed all my friendships. And I'm fiiiiine.

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Nov. 23rd, 2012 10:17 am World Builders

If I haven't yet regaled you with fan-girl-swooning over Patrick Rothfuss, let me tell you why he's awesome:

1) He wrote some pretty awesome books. If you haven't read them, please check them out. I'll even mail you a copy. They're that awesome.

2) He's a pretty cool guy overall. There's a link to his blog, if you don't believe me. Not only does he write awesome blog posts but:

3) He will sign your books for you. This was a wonderful experience for me. It's so special having your own well-loved copies signed by the person that wrote them, especially since my ability to get out to a real signing is so limited.

So if reasons 1-3 weren't enough for you to love him forever, check out World Builders. It's a charity that aims to help families by providing them with the ability to produce food and income on their own.

I'm still a Compassion advocate to the bone, but if your pockets aren't empty yet do consider reading up on this charity and donating to the cause.

That's enough swooning for today. Did I mention he has a beard?

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Nov. 19th, 2012 10:30 pm Musing on Fathers: The Point and Purpose of God

I want to remind everyone that this is my journal and I can write whatever I want. Don't agree? I don't care.

Fatherhood: The Point and Purpose of God

Growing up I had a father and a mother. My mother was good, kind, a little inattentive (ok a lot inattentive) and maybe forgetful at times. Or all times. But she was basically an ok person. She didn't really want any kids, and that hasn't changed. But you can't blame her for that.
My father, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with me or my siblings.

I grew up being "Mr. Fix-it". A doll broke, the smoke alarm went off, the toilet wouldn't flush, the car wouldn't start -- from an early age I became Dad to my little sisters and even to my mother. (She is still scared to plug in the car battery on her own, and I go to shovel the driveway every time it snows even though I have to drive forty minutes in the snow to shovel the drive.) I grew up thinking I could do basically anything. I could solve any problem. And furthermore, I grew up believing it was all on me to do so.

Fast forward some years. I meet God. God is supposedly our Heavenly Father. What do I need with one of those? Haven't I already fixed everything in my life that was broken? Haven't I put on a brave face even when all was dire? Haven't I been the one to march into the dark alone?

Furthermore, people tell me things like: trust in God, believe in God, love God. Why? Was my father worthy of trust when he walked out? Could I believe in him when he left me sitting alone in the cold for days? Could I love him when he enacted countless cruelties on me?

Um, no.

So why should I give any consideration to God?

Recently I've been challenged by several people to try to see myself as God sees me, to look into my life as God would look at me, and to trust in God as I would trust in a truly deserving father.

It helps a little that I'm married. Seeing my husband love and trust in his father has healed some of my doubt. Maybe the way I see fathers isn't normal. Maybe there's more to it than abandonment, hurt, and anger. Maybe.

So I'm still figuring this out. Maybe one day I'll hold the answer. I just encourage you to look.

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Aug. 28th, 2012 08:49 am

I think I'm too sensitive to other people. I've only known this person in messages, back and forth about trivolities, and it all started with an ebay purchase, but now I feel compelled to help her, somehow, anyway I can. She's going to lose her house. That would devastate me. I don't know why I attach so easily to others. I guess I just want people to love me.

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Aug. 23rd, 2012 02:55 pm

I like, never post anymore because I'm married and life is boring, haha. But I'm having trouble keeping my mouth shut in tax class. I'm far too opinionated. Remember that year I refused to pay taxes and sent the money to the library instead? Yeah, similar tirade against the public school system.

Also I really like cucumbers. Um, that is all.

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